You, Mr. Ashtray
Matthew McLaughlin

Our story begins with an above average man, with an above average wage at an above average employment who shared an average problem. The problem wasn't the fact that he had copious amounts of little green pieces of paper that had the picture of an old ugly woman on the back. Oh no, he was fine with the fact that if he had a high enough stack of these papers he could buy an ukulele. His problem wasn't the fault of him being better than 50% of the rest of mankind, as this was a great ego booster. The source of his problem was his above average employment teaching 15 year old, private school children the joys of science. He was a teacher or more precisely a babysitter. The average problem he faced, was the problem that all people face since birth. If you were to ask a newly born what the problem was, you would get a high pitched scream, that with a proper translation would form the following phrase, "I am miserable. This hellish place is too noisy, has too many people and now I am expected to do something for once. Put me back!" This was the exact thought that ran through Eric Ashton's head.

"Mr. Ass man, may I ask a question?" asked Ernie.

"Again Billy, it's pronounced Ashton, "replied Eric Ashton, who knew that Ernie, the class clown would ask next a critical question, igniting a wildfire of laughter throughout the class room.

"Is it true, that age old saying?" casted Ernie.

Mr. Ashton rolled his eyes and said, "Okay, I will bite. What age old saying?"

"That those who can't do, teach." The roars of laughter crackled like dry wood throughout the room as Billy the fisherman had caught the big one. Mr. Ashton could not open his mouth like a fish on dry land without the fire suddenly being flamed by his inability to make a good come back. Just as he started to yell for them to be quiet and that Ernie be sent to the corner, the bell rang.

"Once again that Ernie Burch has gotten the better of me. He was on to something though. I only ever wanted to become a teacher because of the pay," whispered Mr. Ashton to himself after the students had all left the room. His self talking therapy was ended however when the janitor walked in, giving him a look that clearly said, "Are you one piece short of a jigsaw?" So Mr. Ashton went about his duties, preparing for parent orientation, and avoided the questioning eye brows of the janitor.

Later that night, the oblivious students and their equally oblivious parents came to the school to ask why they/ their child were doing so poorly in the class that Mr. Ashton was teaching. A more precise description would be that they were there to complain and threaten him with letters addressed to the school suggesting that he be seriously re-evaluated. This didn't bother the science teacher. He quickly understood why the parents didn't understand what he was saying. He was just babysitting bigger children.

"Mr. Burch. Mr. Burch! Ahem! MR. BURCH! Will you please stop talking about last night's football game and pay attention. You're child isn't doing well in my cla..."

"You, Mr. Ashtray, may I ask you a question?" asked Mr. Burch.

"It's Ash-ton and you may," replied Mr. Ashton with his teeth gritted to the point just below the point at which teeth begin to crack. Apparently manners didn't run in the bumbling Burch blood. With this thought, Mr. Ashton let out a snort and again avoided the now dozens of eyes that were trained on him after being interrupted in their own conversations about last night's episode of Lost and tricks to removing beer bottle caps with one's navel.

"Do you even like your job?"

This caught Eric Ashton by surprise. Not just because Mr. Burch asked a serious question and not some smart ass one that he was expecting, but that it was a question he never bothered to ask himself. Did he even like his job? Oh sure the pay was decent, had great health coverage, awesome vacation days, but was that worth it all, at the end of the day, being stuck with these pimply primal pigs for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week?

"You know what Mr. Burch. I don't believe I ever liked this job. Maybe I need to rethink my life's career. " At this point the lady who had been discussing the latest episode of Lost with the other neighbourhood women, broke into the discussion.

"Mr. Ashton, sir. I happen to be a career consoler and I may be able to help you out."

"That sounds great. On the same note, when might I be able to book an appointment with you?"

"How about right now?" This suggestion was met with the approval of the group, through the art of agreeing with "hmmms" and nodding their heads like a karate master trying to break bricks with his forehead.

At this point Eric had trouble believing what he was hearing, but rather than try to understand it, he figured if the class of fully grown children wouldn't pay attention when he tried to talk to them about their children, he would be as loony as them and actually go along with it.

"Well when I was a child I wanted to be a, no you would laugh at me if I said it"

"Well what did you want to be?" asked the career consoler. "I promise no one will make fun of you." With this everyone repeated the art of agreeing, if only because everyone else was.

"Well I wanted to be a fisherman. You know, the kind that go out on boats for days on end, just reeling in tuna or halibut. I used to enjoy going out with my uncles out on their boats. You know what, I think that is what I will do. Thank you very much."

Our story ends with this above average man pursuing a below average job at a below average wage, yet pursuing a happiness that evaded him for so long. He now has someone to talk too, although the fish have a hard time speaking.

Okay I lied. The fool went out the next week in a boat and got caught in a storm. I guess that is just how life is.